From the sofa to the beach.
The first thing to do is think long and hard about the decision you are about to undertake. Spend long evenings huddled around a table full of beer and peanuts in the snug bar of the Coach and Horses disecting the pros and cons of being a ’surfer’.
Next – drive to Newquay in your large shiny car and go to a surf shop – preferably wearing a t-shirt saying ‘I live in London and have never been in the sea before’ and smile nicely at the surly surfer behind the till (he’s got the arse because it’s headhigh and offshore for the second time this decade at his local break and YOU are the one keeping him in the shop).
Take your vastly inappropriately tiny pointy board to the beach (if it’s good enough for Kelly it’s good enough for you) – don’t forget to ding it several times on your way out of the shop and whilst strapping it the wrong way up to the roof or your car (nose up so it snaps when you hit 78mph on the motorway).
Struggle into your ill-fitting wetsuit in the carpark – very important to put it on backwards so the zip is at the front and digs into your chest and the kneepads protect the backs of your legs from harm.
Finally put your neon coloured rashvest over your wetsuit just like you’ve seen on the vids (there is a reason they’re called ‘rashvests’ numbnuts – they stop your wetsuit rubbing so have to be underneath!) – pros wear them outside for easy identification during competitions…
Okay – so you’re standing on the sand looking out to sea – you’re ready to go surfing…
Good luck!
This report was brought to you by Penfold.
Next week – your first wave…
9 Comments
I can hardly wait
Timely tips, young man – and a warning to anyone who things surfing might be fun.
Sounds like how I would surf alright. Yep, the backwards wetsuit and all.
Drew – thanks for always being there for everyones entertainment…
oh my lord, your post was great. absolutely hilarious. i grew up surfing here in jersey, and i see people like that all the time! <3
Thanks Rachel – all of yours were great too
Great post pen, very funny
Dad – does your sarcasm know no bounds?
BB – if you were thinking of taking the wife surfing you may have to get a wetsuit specially made…
Cheers PQ – nice to see you over here too!!
Very funny and I for one shall never attempt this. My hat’s off to you!